2019 has been a realitively good year, I was looking forward to Christmas and ringing in a new year then in a blink of an eye........
Through my experiences in life, I've learned that every sunny day is to be fully enjoyed as cloudy days are inevitable....so when good times are plenty, it's best to expect some bad. So I should have known.....
I was having a good year....Financially there were no complaints or worries, work was steady, my little dog over came a few health issues, my family were all doing well..So I should have expected a black cloud, I should have known.....things were about to change......
I had to make the choice to say goodbye to my most trusted friend, my constant companion and the one I loved the most. My little dog and I said goodbye just before the new year....and although I've experienced loss a few times, both human and pet.....this time has been the most difficult. I can't say why....it just is. I'm not sure anyone can explian why we mourn for some more than others, or why we love as we do.... because we just do. Some beings touch our hearts in ways that can't be explained, only experienced, and when they leave, they leave a hole so large that healing from it just seems impossible.
Some understand, others say, "you'll be alright", "you can get another dog".....well yes I could, but another wouldn't be her....another couldn't be.....she was special. She was silly, sweet, a nuisance, a pest, high maintenance, vey expensive, and I wouldn't have changed any of it, or anything about her....Some say I should be grateful...as she outlived her age expectancy.....but how can anyone you love, live long enough? Forever wouldn't be long enough... as we want them with us until our end...and even after that. I did anyways....Of course reality is just that and I was aware that her health issues were a sign, and that her end was nearing and inevitable....but I've always been good at suppressing reality and living in a world of my own....and with her it was easy to. Life with her was easy...as she made every difficult situation more bearable, and each day worth living. She made coming home necessary and exciting. She made leaving difficult and complicated....She made my mornings early and busy, and my nights comfortable. She was special, is irreplaceable and she will be dearly missed.... to her I say.... I'm so very sorry..... I should have done more, cuddled you more, loved you more gently., been more patient with you...you deserved someone better than I. My dear little soul, for you I hope there is life after this one....you deserve it so.
Why is it when we loose someone we love, do we look back with regrets and wishes of coulda, woulda, and shouldas....why is it so hard when who we love is being annoying, inconvenient, costly, or whatever...why is it so hard to look past all that when they're with us and just be grateful we have them and ignore all the rest......perhaps this is just a part of being a flawed human and how flawed humans love....perhaps that is why the love of a dog is so special.....they see past all that nonsense and just love us purley, unconditionally and at that moment. Yes my dog was special, all dogs are.......